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another poem [29 Dec 2004|12:42am] as i sit there with a blade in my hand i look at it as i throw it at the door.but as i throw it at the door i think how much it has gotten me through,through the pain and the tourture.so i pick it up even though i have stopped and i put it away without one cut without one drip i slip it into my secret hiding place.but will it reast there for all eturnity? -endlesstruggle- post comment

[29 Dec 2004|02:04am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | [Jakalope] ] Ack. I haven't been doing so good lately. Haven't even been on GJ which is very un-usual for me. Emotionally I'm a total wreak. I hate myself. I'm so pathetic. I've been alone most of the holidays.. I'm so used to being invisible to people, to being forgotten, it's just normal to me. But I hate it for one reason; I think. When I'm alone I start to think about a lot of things. That's not good because there are too many horrible memories and feelings. Then I cut. I cut every night, to every second night. But it's not like one a night, it's at least ten. I feel so horrible, I'm worthless, and pathetic that I have to cut like that. The cuts get so unbarably itchy it's crazy. People ask me if I need help. Yes I do, but I can't even begin to explain my emotions, my pain, so how am I supposed to get help? I haven't spoken with friend since boxing day, except on msn. I haven't seen them since then, and before that it was school. Nobody calls me to see how I'm doing, I think they're all afraid. Afriad to learn of my life. Or they just don't care. This is so horrible, I hate my life. I try to be happy but it just doesn't work. If I seem happy, you can bet it's just a cover up. It's not real, it's just fake. Even the smallest things can upset me so much right now. Nobody accepts me, because of my different appearence. I'm labeled a punk/goth at school, and I always get weird stares. I really don't care about that though. I care that people don't want to get close to me. I need someone who understand me, and SI to talk to. In person though, it helps over the internet but it'd be nice to have help in person for once. Only one other person in my grade [that I know of] cuts, but she does it for attention. She's like "Me and Shelby are the only ones who are cool, we cut." I hate it when she brings me into it. I don't want the world knowing, and I personally don't think it's "cool." It's definatly not good to brag about it, people will start talking which is never good. I just can't even start to explain how horrible I feel, it hurts so much, I'll probably go cut again now.... No one else is here to help me. Even when my friends try, it just doesn't work. Well that was a long rant, sorry. I got a little carried away there. Shelby. 12 comments|post comment

[29 Dec 2004|12:06pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | The Killers ] So I'm going to NY. To say good bye to my grandpa, who is dying. And I guess it's time to face it, since he's been sick for awhile, instead of wasting time thinking about how he can't die, and how my life would be so different if he died adn how I don't know what I'd do if he died. Life fucking sucks. It was a good night last night, until I got home. really good. One of the best in a long long time. And, as usual, I am not allowed to have one of those. I hate it. I don't know when I'll be on a computer again, but when I am, I'll update. later. 2 comments|post comment

[29 Dec 2004|01:33pm] [ mood | alone ] as i wallow in my tears of darkness i wonder if my life will ever be the same, or will i stand proud proud and strong. i dont think that standing proud and strong will ever be an option for me. the blade is the only thing that will catch me as i fall,the blade is the only reashurence that i have.as i cut so close to my heart that i bleed for hours,as i passout on the floor i think only of you but that thought doesnt seem to be enough. the thought of death seems to be stronger.as i lye there shaking and wondering what is life.as i sit on my death bed,my bathroom floor,i wonder if these cuts have always sheltered me from the bad.will this blade kill me or will i just bleed forever.sometimes i wish i could just die.when i die the blade will be the curse.the curse of the temple of my bodie,that is helplessly lying on the floor.the day after,as my cuts begin to flake.will the silence of my broken heart be enough to heal the scars or my numb bodie as my cut wrists have always and always will lead me to my black hearted death. -endlesstruggle- 3 comments|post comment

[29 Dec 2004|01:45pm] [ mood | alone and scared ] well i have recently joined the community and i have posted my info. some pics and a few of my poems.but i really need help i hadnt cutt in about1 month everything was going good untill my mom brought up something in my past and i just lost it i dont cry in public so after she yelled at me i calmly walked up stairs and then i ran to my bathroom and just started cutting deep cuts everywere and started crying. my mom doesnt know that i cut so she could care less.it made me feel alot better even though i now regret it because it made my bf very upset and sad and he is a depressed person to begin with but he told me that he has never been this happy i his life but then when he found out that i cut again it made him sad and i feel really bad now.i need some advice someone plz tell me what to do. -chel- 6 comments|post comment

I'm new and I have a question for the mods. [29 Dec 2004|07:30pm] ( Question ) post comment

[29 Dec 2004|07:47pm] Hi! Sorry i havn't written for a while, i've been on holiday. I havn't cut from the 22nd which im kinda happy about! I need to cut though but than i don't want to! Anyway, my holiday was ok, i had my bad moments! I cryed most of the time! Well i hope everyone had a good christmas! 2 comments|post comment

[29 Dec 2004|09:55pm] [ music | konstatine - soco ] tonight was a bad night... i cut up and down my wrist, all the way around, maybe about 100 or so times, but i dont know, i dont count. it bled soo bad. i had a couple really deep ones on the underside of my wrist. so deep i could see the veins pulsating, but that was like only two cut like that. the rest were oly moderatly deep. the kind of deep that only bleed for like 3 or 4 minutes. i also etched "IM A FAKE" onto my stomach, but only b/c i was listening to I'm a fake by The Used. if you dont know that song, i suggest you download it or just look up the lyrics. i almost live by that song. that and hurt by nine inch nails. thats a good song too. i carved "HURT" into my wrist one time but i didnt do it deep enough and thats why i hate saftey pins and love razors. i bled all over the carpet. thank you mom for orange eliminator! spot remover!! (it takes rabbit pee out of beds too. fuckin rabbit...) pah. i'm in such a blissfully morose mood... does anyone else know anymore "cutter" songs? like hurt is a cutter song and so is i'm a fake, but is there anymore? do tell me if you know. 4 comments|post comment

[29 Dec 2004|10:19pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | [Jakalope] ] Ack. Razor. It's right there, along with a cloth and blood.. Oi, I couldn't help it. I feel soo lonely right now, it's horrible. Meanwhile I'm talking to people on msn. But that doesn't matter, someone could be right in front of me and I'd still be alone. When will this end? The holidays have been horrible, too much empty time to think. I need to see friends soon, but I think they've all forgotten about me. At least that's how it feels. I want to cut, I just did a few minutes ago, I want to again. Oh gosh, I need help... Shelby. 2 comments|post comment

[29 Dec 2004|11:05pm] [ mood | discontent ] [ music | Evanesence - Fallen ] Wow. It's only been four days since I cut, and now I'm already feeling the strain of not relieving all the tension building up from my so called "family". Been dropping things from my hands they've gotten so shaky. Is that normal? I wouldn't know, I think this is the longest I've gotten with no SI incidents. I haven't even tried to sctrach myself with my nails (a nervous habit that started about tree years ago). I'm happy because I now have a punching bag to take my anger out on. I don't know when I'll get it set up, but maybe that will help? And if I get the erge to injure myself, I'll take it out on the bag without gloves to keep from blistering my hands. I figured I'd post two poems. I've always been told my writing is horrible by my friends, but the poems help, so I figured I'd post them anyway. ( Pissed Off ) ( Selfish ) 3 comments|post comment

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